Getting Rid of Toxic Parenting

Parenting is a very complicated task, that requires not only a lot of time and dedication, but also an introspection process in order to settle down problems created by our parents and even grand-parents family environments. 

Bad and toxic parenthood doesn't have to do with financial and social status, but most probably, is usually more frequent in environment where various addictions and limited financial possibilities are predominant. In What Kind of Parent Am I by Dr. Nicole Letourneau different parenting styles and risks are evaluated through individual questionnaires revealing not only the problem, but leading to at least one possible solution to correct the situation. Some cases rely on the mistakes and failures of our parents. Some of them are just the result of our pressures and adverse social and economic situations. In every single situation, the victim is always the child which doesn't have to pay for it. 

A quote mentioned in the book is revelatory about the ways in which we have to try to raise our children: 'Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhoods'. Strong family and social networks, a permanent contact with educators, psychologists and pediatrician, a positive attitude keen to correct the misgivings of the past. The earlier it starts the more reversible the process is, therefore the proper feedback and support is necessary to eliminate the toxic risks. 

Written based on the knowledge of the everyday life situations, this book serves as an inspired guidance in the complicated world and relationships of parents and their children. With the main encouragement do not hesitate to ask for support and the right resources for correcting your relationship and attitude. According to the author, parenting is a 'balancing act: it requires you to pull back at times but also to pay close attention to your child'. The most important question in this case is: 'Am I the parent my child needs me to be?'. The answer may differ from a development period to another, but it is always relevant to update the content based on various circumstances and the specific children history. 

This book offers practical guidance and inspiration to parents worried about the weight of the past into their parenting while offering a serious scientific psychologic background for different choices and decisions regarding the education of children from the very beginning onwards. 

Rating: 5 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review 

The first year with the baby

The first year with the baby is difficult and I am not sure that the feeling of insecurity and permanent fear decreases with the number of kids or is rather the result of acknowledging the huge resonsibility of the small being completely depending on us. 

I personally have a lot of funny and scary experiences some of them shared already on the blog, some kept for later. I just remember the need to over check the baby all the time and the fear that for unknown reasons, he might not evoluate the 'right' way. 

My luck was to trust completely my children doctor and also to have access to resources that guided my steps and calmed down my - paranoid - fears. The baby is over a year now and things are - thanks G-d - going in the right direction. 

Dr. Dawn's Guide to Your Baby's First Year is one of those trustworthy companions.  Written by a medical doctor and a mother of 3, this book offers a very easy and practical guidance for basic issues regarding the first 12 months of the baby. It is a fast guide filled with a lot of practical information that can be easily read in-between naps. 

I particularly liked the practical emphasis. Stop considering yourself a super-human as the more you overload yourself the worse for you - and the baby. Therefore, it is a good reminder to not forget to take care of yourself too and seize the opportunity to rest. It also offers first hand information about how to breast feed correctly and how to maintain a good milk supply, dealing with teething problems and developmental checks. You are also introduced to an A to Z of infant ailments and adviced what to have in your medicine cabinet and how to take the proper safety measures at home. 

As a big supporter of vaccines, I appreciated the encouragement to keep doing all the necessary vaccinations. 'Our babies' immune systems are exposed to thousands of allergenes and germs every day. What isn't safe is to leave them exposed to some very serious illness by delaying vaccination'. 

Mr. Dawn's Guide... is one of those books you need to have in your library because it makes your mom's life much easier.

Rating: 4 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Mindfulness for parents, step-by-step

Life with a baby - or more - is challenging, unexpected and, at the end of every day, exhausting. How to find then place in your hectic schedule for the luxury of mindfulness, a concept that I explored on another occasion into more detail?

This book by Amber Hatch offers no only theoretical support  but also many useful practical examples shared by the author, a parent too, and other parents, is explaining why actually parents should focus more on mindfulness, which will help the mental wellbeing of their children too. Through it, better relationships can be built, and 'a little bit of distance' as well as a 'sense of perspective' are given. With an open mind, we can learn a lot from our little ones too, as 'children can act as our teachers in the sense that they show us how to be present'. 

Written in an accessible style, Mindfulness for Parents makes you feel more relaxed about juggling jobs between tantrums and food spilled all over the house. The best we can do is to try 'to meet our baby's needs', Hatch taking out of the picture the obsession that we, as parents, we need to keep the babies happy. Even though you are not too much into spiritual retreats and meditation, you may find a couple of useful and comforting tips, releaving the heavy weight of parenting from our shoulders. 

On the other hand, it encourages to cultivate a peaceful and beautiful house, avoid the consummerism temptation by avoiding to carry on the kids into the shop all round the day, spending more time in the middle of the nature and developing positive qualities such as loving-kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. 

A book strongy recommended to new and experienced parents, in the middle of a devastating tantrum or just trying to find the right spiritual routines for their children. With such books, parenting life is much easier.

Rating: 4 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Parenting advice

Sometimes, when I am reading parenting books - not that often - I feel like I will never be able to cope with all the challenges of different ages and developments. I also got more scared than normally of various maladies and dangers and malformations that can just appear out of nowhere and never leave you. From a page to another you just feel that you need to go to check your little one again and again, and consider to schedule tomorrow first time in the morning a meeting with the pediatrician. Not funny at all, I know...

But there are also some advantages of reading parenting books: you can find good advice and smart inspiration and some systematic lists of things that you should consider in various situations. Prescription (RX) for Parenting was a good reading, not only because it is brief and uses many examples, but for the quality of the information and the practical advices. It has information addressing both the mother and the father, with advices for the single parent, and a rich collection of addresses - for the US readers - and websites aimed to help the reader to find the right person for the big problem.

Another target of the book is represented by the childcare workers, who are guided through their working challenges. 

I will focus a bit on the sections dedicated to the new moms, The pregnancy process, the birth, the post-birth adaptation, both at the psychologic and physical levels. Even though you may go through all stages smoothly - as it was my case - there is still a lot of pressure that will release when you want it less. Hence, the feeling of an ending - or the need to think that everything as you know it should just stop for good. What the author recommends is to take it easy, relax, not forget who you are, try to exercise daily, find a hobby and, very important, find a support system. The last aspect is particularly important in the case of single parents. 'Don't center all the day's activities around the children. Kids need to learn how to amuse themselves'. 

There is also important that the author outline the need of discipline and rules and the need to contact a specialist as fast as possible in case of various medical or psychological emergencies. I also appreciated that there is a small warning regarding the use of herbal medicine that can create various complications.

It is a book I strongly recommended to mothers and fathers and anyone with a baby project looking for daily practical inspiration.

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange of an honest review

Book review: Life is a blender, by Yana Berlin

Call me unlucky or without a good choice in books, but all the parenting books I've read by now were too self-sufficient and extremely subjective, plus written on a lecturing tone that I don't fancy in any situations, but most specifically when it comes to parenting ideas. On the one hand, it makes sense to lecture, especially when your children are grown up and you can see already the achievements of your educational techniques. However, it may not work for everyone and the humble observation of this simple fact could be a beginning of a honest writing.

Despite my unfriendly observations, I enjoyed a couple of advices by Yana Berlin's Life is a blender. The most important is how to succeed in creating a family out of two different halves of other families. Without a proper balance and a lot of wisdom, the conflicts are predictable and the overall family ambiance can turn into a nightmare for all the members of the household. In her own words: 'A blended family requires a lot of work, patience, understanding, perseverance and open communication, but the first step is embracing the fact that all of you are one unit'. 

Do what's the best for you and the children

Another wise advise is to not insist to stay together while keeping repeating in denial that you do it 'for the sake of the children'. Sooner or later, the children will be the first victims of this situation. The family patterns are most likely transmitted from a generation to another and it is important to offer to the children a good and fair inspiration: 'Children are like sponges. They observe and learn from what they see happening around them'. And this is also true: 'There are no bad kids, but there are a lot of unfit parents out there'. I will not judge parenthood too harsh too, as each parent is special, as the children are too and learning how to deal and educate other persons is not something to judge in black and white.

I also agree with the general aim of her parenthood journey: 'raising your kids to be happy, honest and successful adults - adults who will want to continue the family bond throughout their lives'. After all, we all want this for our children, but our family, social and sometimes even political circumstances are openly preventing it from happening. 

Grounded in your corner? Not my cup of tea!

Berlin herself was born in the then Soviet Union, part of a Jewish family that was lucky to be allowed to escape the country to the Western world. The overall pedagogical knowledge in the old country is dramatically different to the ways in which the Western family patterns developed. Asking your child to time-out in a corner for a while as a punishment - in my old country, the custom was to ask the kid to stay on his/her knees on some nuts shells (sounds crazy but I saw kindergarden children being grounded like this) - sounds cruel or simply not outstandingly smart for a Western reader. Somehow, I bet the efficiency is almost nil. Most smart is to create weekly and daily habits when the family is gathering together - the Friday evening Shabbes meal is an example - and to share responsibilities between the members. 

'First parent, later friend'

I also agree with her three principles, even I would have expected more clarifications and advice about number one, for instance: '1. First parent, later friend; 2. Discipline; 3. Keep being consistent while reasonable and loving'.

As for the number one, a good friend of mine and an experienced therapist, told me the same, adding that: 'A child has only one mother, but can make many friends later'. I fully agree with the theories, but I am still looking how to find the right balance. 

The problematic professional directions

If till now I was relatively sympathetic and understood most part of the advices, the ideas about the professional orientation are, in my opinion, wrong for more than one reason. Yana Berlin says that the parents should decide mostly which school is the best for their children and to plan together the best financial coverage of the study years. True is that in the Western world, the issue of paying for the high education are bothering and a burden to be carried even for more than a decade after finishing the study years. 

'If your financial situation doesn't allow you to put your kids through school, help them make the right choices by choosing affordable yet credible school while borrowing as little money as possible'. What about delaying the entrance to the university and working for a while till you have enough funds to pay part of your studies? Or working during university? Or simply being bold and good enough to get a scholarship? 

On the other hand, one can be happy nowadays, without an academic education and there are many examples of people who didn't have one and still achieving social success.

There are many solutions and I think that this limited perspective doesn't help too much. 

Overall, it was an interesting lecture, but I still have so many questions non-answered that I will insist to search for a simple yet less lecturing type of parenting book.