Parenting advice

Sometimes, when I am reading parenting books - not that often - I feel like I will never be able to cope with all the challenges of different ages and developments. I also got more scared than normally of various maladies and dangers and malformations that can just appear out of nowhere and never leave you. From a page to another you just feel that you need to go to check your little one again and again, and consider to schedule tomorrow first time in the morning a meeting with the pediatrician. Not funny at all, I know...

But there are also some advantages of reading parenting books: you can find good advice and smart inspiration and some systematic lists of things that you should consider in various situations. Prescription (RX) for Parenting was a good reading, not only because it is brief and uses many examples, but for the quality of the information and the practical advices. It has information addressing both the mother and the father, with advices for the single parent, and a rich collection of addresses - for the US readers - and websites aimed to help the reader to find the right person for the big problem.

Another target of the book is represented by the childcare workers, who are guided through their working challenges. 

I will focus a bit on the sections dedicated to the new moms, The pregnancy process, the birth, the post-birth adaptation, both at the psychologic and physical levels. Even though you may go through all stages smoothly - as it was my case - there is still a lot of pressure that will release when you want it less. Hence, the feeling of an ending - or the need to think that everything as you know it should just stop for good. What the author recommends is to take it easy, relax, not forget who you are, try to exercise daily, find a hobby and, very important, find a support system. The last aspect is particularly important in the case of single parents. 'Don't center all the day's activities around the children. Kids need to learn how to amuse themselves'. 

There is also important that the author outline the need of discipline and rules and the need to contact a specialist as fast as possible in case of various medical or psychological emergencies. I also appreciated that there is a small warning regarding the use of herbal medicine that can create various complications.

It is a book I strongly recommended to mothers and fathers and anyone with a baby project looking for daily practical inspiration.

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange of an honest review

Months 7-8-9 with the baby

Not too much update about our mother and baby life, isn't it? True is that in the last three months, there were a lot going on in my life, and in baby's too, and keeping a straight record of the step-by-step evolution was not always possible. Also, the summer time is here and when I am not at home cleaning and keeping the house maintenance at an acceptable level or finishing my writing assignments, I am out with the baby, enjoying the beautiful summer days.

To keep it to the point, the last three months with the baby were really amazing and every moment I am reminded how blessed I am to have such a jewel of a kid: not crying too much, healthy, most part of the time happy and pretty adaptable to various travel schedule. As an overview, not too many things happened but for him, my little - now - 10-month baby, he went through many changes.

First, the mobility developed a whole lot. He not only can seat independently for many minutes, but he is also crawling very fast. Thus, the most sensitive and dangerous parts of the house - such as corners and sources of electricity, were sealed and secured in a way to not create any harm to the baby.

The food options diversified considerably, and now he accepts more or less almost everything - except the spinach (he is my son too, after all). Solids are now an important part of his daily diet while the frequency of milk bottles decreased. 

One of the many things I've learned in the last months was to stop - definitely stop - comparing my kid with the others. We registered, for instance, for a crawling club, where every Monday together with other babies his age we do for one hour and a half various crawling exercises. At the time, he was not crawling too much, but other babies from the group, maybe one month younger or more were extremely fast at that. I made some worries for a while, thinking that maybe we, again, have a development problem. And waited and waited until one day, just like this, he crossed the entire house in less than 15 minutes, back and forth. 

During this time, we alse went away for three weeks, which meant a complete relocation for the baby, with a different temperature, food habits and bed. He coped with it very well, but there were some important challenges ahead, such as being faced with the problem of the lack of his special juice or the usual bottle food he is used with. 

Another observation for this period is that our baby grew up with very advanced social skills: he is very friendly with new people, utters cries of joy when encountering other kids in the buggy and even more loudly every time when we approach some dogs - or cats. We've been a couple of times to the zoos, and even to some goat park and every time he was very happy to see the animals.

This is all for now...More specific posts to come in the next days, covering the challenges of travelling with a toddler, foodie needs and other day by day challenges!

Parenting advice for the responsible parent

Like it or not, we as adults, are what our parents and grandparents made of us The person we are now is the result of historical parenting patterns transmitted or slightly altered, from one generation to the other. The good news is that we can change it and detach ourselves from the generational matrix. The bad news is that we need a lot of time and effort and very often the help of a therapist.
     Your Living Legacy is not a self-help book, but a guided tour of discovering yourself as a parent. It may happen that you will discover something radically different from what you expected. Based on over two decades of practice, it offers a rare mix for this kind of book-- of theoretical framework and practical checking, examples and exercises.  

     My experience with parenting books is that you either have one or the other, but maybe I am not literate in this domain yet. It also has the right balance of using simple wording for describing sophisticated parenting situations, which is another asset of the book, the author stays away from the temptation to show off high skills in juggling with complicated scientific terminology.

     Based on her clinical practice, the cases revolve around the mother-daughter relationship, which limits the perspective to a certain extent. It simplifies the discussion, but on the other hand eliminates the cases when the father is also an active parenting actor with a definitive role in the education process.

     Instead of focusing on the child as the main parenting problem, the author took into consideration 'what the parent is doing that might create or contribute to the problem'. A logical approach, as most of the child’s problems originate within the family. Further on, the choice of the parenting style is highly influenced by 'how you were raised as a child'.

     The dynamic of the relationship between mother and daughter is very complex and the merit of the author is to focus briefly on the most important interactions and potential sources of conflicts. For instance, “ rebellion” can also be a plea to get the parent to set stronger limits'. These issues are analyzed in the smallest detail through an extensive list of 20 parenting styles, defined generally as 'patterns of behavior that are your typical ways of interacting with your child, especially when you are under stress'. The questionnaire at the end of each description helps you find your own parenting style and gives short suggestions about how to go beyond the negative patterns.

     The sooner the problems are identified the better, as there is always the possibility to change the pattern and save the relationship with your child. Through communication, listening and learning from your child, besides seeking advice from a professional therapist, things can be changed for the good, and the mistakes used as a ladder to growth.

      It is a book that raises awareness and challenges you to ask questions -- it is never too late to start reading.

Rating: Four out of five stars

Disclaimer: The publisher offered my the book via NetGalley.com, but the opinions are, as usual, my own.

Book review: Life is a blender, by Yana Berlin

Call me unlucky or without a good choice in books, but all the parenting books I've read by now were too self-sufficient and extremely subjective, plus written on a lecturing tone that I don't fancy in any situations, but most specifically when it comes to parenting ideas. On the one hand, it makes sense to lecture, especially when your children are grown up and you can see already the achievements of your educational techniques. However, it may not work for everyone and the humble observation of this simple fact could be a beginning of a honest writing.

Despite my unfriendly observations, I enjoyed a couple of advices by Yana Berlin's Life is a blender. The most important is how to succeed in creating a family out of two different halves of other families. Without a proper balance and a lot of wisdom, the conflicts are predictable and the overall family ambiance can turn into a nightmare for all the members of the household. In her own words: 'A blended family requires a lot of work, patience, understanding, perseverance and open communication, but the first step is embracing the fact that all of you are one unit'. 

Do what's the best for you and the children

Another wise advise is to not insist to stay together while keeping repeating in denial that you do it 'for the sake of the children'. Sooner or later, the children will be the first victims of this situation. The family patterns are most likely transmitted from a generation to another and it is important to offer to the children a good and fair inspiration: 'Children are like sponges. They observe and learn from what they see happening around them'. And this is also true: 'There are no bad kids, but there are a lot of unfit parents out there'. I will not judge parenthood too harsh too, as each parent is special, as the children are too and learning how to deal and educate other persons is not something to judge in black and white.

I also agree with the general aim of her parenthood journey: 'raising your kids to be happy, honest and successful adults - adults who will want to continue the family bond throughout their lives'. After all, we all want this for our children, but our family, social and sometimes even political circumstances are openly preventing it from happening. 

Grounded in your corner? Not my cup of tea!

Berlin herself was born in the then Soviet Union, part of a Jewish family that was lucky to be allowed to escape the country to the Western world. The overall pedagogical knowledge in the old country is dramatically different to the ways in which the Western family patterns developed. Asking your child to time-out in a corner for a while as a punishment - in my old country, the custom was to ask the kid to stay on his/her knees on some nuts shells (sounds crazy but I saw kindergarden children being grounded like this) - sounds cruel or simply not outstandingly smart for a Western reader. Somehow, I bet the efficiency is almost nil. Most smart is to create weekly and daily habits when the family is gathering together - the Friday evening Shabbes meal is an example - and to share responsibilities between the members. 

'First parent, later friend'

I also agree with her three principles, even I would have expected more clarifications and advice about number one, for instance: '1. First parent, later friend; 2. Discipline; 3. Keep being consistent while reasonable and loving'.

As for the number one, a good friend of mine and an experienced therapist, told me the same, adding that: 'A child has only one mother, but can make many friends later'. I fully agree with the theories, but I am still looking how to find the right balance. 

The problematic professional directions

If till now I was relatively sympathetic and understood most part of the advices, the ideas about the professional orientation are, in my opinion, wrong for more than one reason. Yana Berlin says that the parents should decide mostly which school is the best for their children and to plan together the best financial coverage of the study years. True is that in the Western world, the issue of paying for the high education are bothering and a burden to be carried even for more than a decade after finishing the study years. 

'If your financial situation doesn't allow you to put your kids through school, help them make the right choices by choosing affordable yet credible school while borrowing as little money as possible'. What about delaying the entrance to the university and working for a while till you have enough funds to pay part of your studies? Or working during university? Or simply being bold and good enough to get a scholarship? 

On the other hand, one can be happy nowadays, without an academic education and there are many examples of people who didn't have one and still achieving social success.

There are many solutions and I think that this limited perspective doesn't help too much. 

Overall, it was an interesting lecture, but I still have so many questions non-answered that I will insist to search for a simple yet less lecturing type of parenting book.