Getting Rid of Toxic Parenting

Parenting is a very complicated task, that requires not only a lot of time and dedication, but also an introspection process in order to settle down problems created by our parents and even grand-parents family environments. 

Bad and toxic parenthood doesn't have to do with financial and social status, but most probably, is usually more frequent in environment where various addictions and limited financial possibilities are predominant. In What Kind of Parent Am I by Dr. Nicole Letourneau different parenting styles and risks are evaluated through individual questionnaires revealing not only the problem, but leading to at least one possible solution to correct the situation. Some cases rely on the mistakes and failures of our parents. Some of them are just the result of our pressures and adverse social and economic situations. In every single situation, the victim is always the child which doesn't have to pay for it. 

A quote mentioned in the book is revelatory about the ways in which we have to try to raise our children: 'Let's raise children who won't have to recover from their childhoods'. Strong family and social networks, a permanent contact with educators, psychologists and pediatrician, a positive attitude keen to correct the misgivings of the past. The earlier it starts the more reversible the process is, therefore the proper feedback and support is necessary to eliminate the toxic risks. 

Written based on the knowledge of the everyday life situations, this book serves as an inspired guidance in the complicated world and relationships of parents and their children. With the main encouragement do not hesitate to ask for support and the right resources for correcting your relationship and attitude. According to the author, parenting is a 'balancing act: it requires you to pull back at times but also to pay close attention to your child'. The most important question in this case is: 'Am I the parent my child needs me to be?'. The answer may differ from a development period to another, but it is always relevant to update the content based on various circumstances and the specific children history. 

This book offers practical guidance and inspiration to parents worried about the weight of the past into their parenting while offering a serious scientific psychologic background for different choices and decisions regarding the education of children from the very beginning onwards. 

Rating: 5 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review 

Lessons Learned from BabyWelt 2017 Berlin

If you are waiting for a baby or you have a small toddler and looking to find out the best children tips for new parents in Germany, BabyWelt is the fair where you definitely should book a price. I visited this event for the first time shortly after my son was born, in 2015, and returned this year being equally impressed by the variety of products and excellent services shared.

Held between 3-5 November at the Messe Berlin, this event gathered over 140 participant companies, all of them with serious experience in the field of baby products and parenting. From big medical providers as Vivantes, to big baby carriage and prams distributors, everything you need to know for the first months and years with the baby was offered to new parents as guidance for their new challenging life about to begin. 

One of the most challenging part of being a responsible parent is the choice of the best products for your child. The pram plays a very important part into the baby's life, and the choice should be done as responsible as possible because it influences dramatically the physical development of the baby. I personally started with a Per Perego and purchased meanwhile a Maxi-Cosi too. (A comparison review coming up in the next weeks). What I really appreciate to Maxi-Cosi is the high-end, safe car seats which are also good looking, not only practical. Even not familiar with the Star Wars, my son jumped instantly on that one because you cannot easily resist such a colourful temptation. 

At BabyWelt, parents are guided step-by-step in their efforts to find the best pram, through practical testing and extensive details. I was very happy to discover a couple of German producers as well, among which Hartan, whose prams and buggies are excellently designed according to the finest details of the baby body.

In addition to the display of products, an important part of the 2-day fair is played by various workshops held by specialists in various domains, dealing with a variety of topics, from health to administrative aspects, such as your rights during the maternity leave. Equally important was to visit the small information point dedicated to vaccinations and other medical aspects of the first months in the life of the baby.

On the stage, new mothers were encouraged to be part of various exercises, helping them to stay in shape, either running or practising together with their babies. A great incentive and encouragement to stay fit after the pregnancy.

And there is even more help for a smooth baby life, as creativity and innovation can make life better. As sleep is one of the most serious issues encountered in the first weeks and months by the new parents, myHummy created products that can help the little ones to fall asleep easier and for a long time. Their toys look so cute that you might want to buy one for yourself, regardless the age. 

I personally always cope with a little crisis before every birthday event, as I am trying to be creative yet practical, to find the best present and party setting and decorations. Luckily, nowadays there are so many opportunities for finding the best presents for the little ones, without too much efforts. Like, for instance, personalized items with your beloved one's name written on mugs or kindergarten bags.

I personally went to this fair looking for some interesting daily care products for my 2-year old son. He has sometimes dry skin therefore I needed some oils for regular use, at least once the day. Based on the description of the ingredients - all natural - I bought one baby oil from the Allgäu-based company boep, whose products are distributed via dm drugstore network and one week after, I am completely happy with the results. The advantage of taking part to the fair is to use various discounts offered on the spot, which means always a fair investment.

Another purchase was from the 70-year old HAKA, which produces natural cleaning products and creams, strongly recommended to allergic and sensitive-skin children.

Clothes for children should be both practical and fancy, preferably with lovable prints, made of natural materials and resistent to frequent washing. My favorite at the fair was the Berlin-based Fuchs und Kiwi, with its colourful funny comfy clothes for all middle ages.

If you are living in Germany and interested to take part to other BabyWelt events, you can do it to Stuttgart (26-28 November 2017), Hamburg (16-18 February 2018) or Frankfurt (23-25 February 2018). 

Your Child's First Trips to the Dentist and other Healthy Teeth Routines

My big girl hates going to the dentist. It was always like this, regardless what kind of problems she had or what kind of doctors we visited. Every time we were supposed to go for regular checkings or for some serious appointments, she was terrified, with outbursts of panic attacks and deep anxious moments. Now, as a fully 18+ years old, she is in the same mood every time when faced with the prospect of a visit to the dentist, whatever the reason.

On the other end of the spectrum, is me who with 6 was sent to the dentist on her own and never experienced any terrifying moments when on the chair. I always had teeth issues and although a regular checking program and many family dentist friends took care of me, nothing could stop the teeth decay and even more visits to the dentist. But although I also went through really weird episodes - when one dentist lady decided to make an extraction without anesthetic because she was afraid that I might have an allergic reaction to it - I kept trusting the doctors, using any visit as an opportunity to talk about teeth health and other medical related issues. A knowledge that didn't help that much as apparently the lack of a proper food in early childhood and some genetical issues faced me with the unpleasant situation of starting loosing my teeth in my early 20s.

Baby Teeth Routines

With my 2-year old son, the situation is still work in process, but I tried from his 8 month of life on to introduce the dental care routines into our daily life. In our advantage plays also the fact that in Germany, there are local institutions in charge with such issues, and from his first year of life we were requested to pay a visit to the city hall dentistry cabinet to learn about basic rules of stomatological care, including what products to not use - such as sweet juices. 

We started by brushing the teeth twice the day - in the morning and in the evening - by using fluoride-based tooth paste, without added sugar, and trying to find the best eco- and using friendly tooth brushes, as the one we had from Planet Bamboo. Introducing this routine into the daily life was made step-by-step and as usual, the best way to do it is by offering yourself the best example. My son was able to see that I am doing the same and even that before I am brushing his teeth, I am doing the same with his favorite Teddy bears.

However, our trips to the pediatric dentist weren't always a cup of tea. With the pediatrician he was always friendly and as we go there regularly, there is a certain connection between the two, therefore although once in a while he is not so keen to go through the regular healthy checkings, the doctor has enough authority to convince him to do. With the pediatric dentist the situation is a little bit different. It might be some mysterious way which scares the kid every time he or she sees a chair and all the tools around it. Convincing my otherwise friendly son to sit on it, even on my lap, was almost impossible and here we are, 4 visits to the dentist later and still unable to keep him to the mouth open for more than 1 second...

Keep Visit the Dentist

Although at this stage, the risk of serious teeth decay problems is probably very low, I still recommend to use the services of a pediatric dentist, as he or she will certainly have some extra acquired skills about how to deal with children. Or, at least, the cabinet do have some stuffed animals and other kiddy attractions that might keep your baby entertained and in a better friendly mood. Another tip will be to keep visiting the dentist once in a while, maybe every 6 months, just to let your baby used with the ambiance, and the doctor and, if lucky enough for keep him on the chair, the basic routines. Especially if you are a single parent with a limited time in your pocket, you might feel annoyed by all those visits and consider it a waste of time, but believe me, you made in fact an investment in your child and it is what matters after all. As in the case of the pediatrician, it is important that you keep an open line with your dentist for consultations about the best toothpaste and brush to use and any other issues that might affect the dental health of your child - the proper foods and what to avoid - too much sweets, for instance - is equally noteworthy. Especially when you have a family history of tooth problems - as I do - finding the right strategy for keeping the genetics in chess cannot be done without the adequate professional help.

Therefore, it is important that besides the pediatrician, to have also a good reliable dentist for your baby too, which will help you to keep the serious dental problems at bay and avoid serious issues later into adulthood. Dental issues are opening the door to many other ugly maladies therefore be sure that you do everything possible to prevent serious issues, by using an early dentistry checking for your baby. 

The first year with the baby

The first year with the baby is difficult and I am not sure that the feeling of insecurity and permanent fear decreases with the number of kids or is rather the result of acknowledging the huge resonsibility of the small being completely depending on us. 

I personally have a lot of funny and scary experiences some of them shared already on the blog, some kept for later. I just remember the need to over check the baby all the time and the fear that for unknown reasons, he might not evoluate the 'right' way. 

My luck was to trust completely my children doctor and also to have access to resources that guided my steps and calmed down my - paranoid - fears. The baby is over a year now and things are - thanks G-d - going in the right direction. 

Dr. Dawn's Guide to Your Baby's First Year is one of those trustworthy companions.  Written by a medical doctor and a mother of 3, this book offers a very easy and practical guidance for basic issues regarding the first 12 months of the baby. It is a fast guide filled with a lot of practical information that can be easily read in-between naps. 

I particularly liked the practical emphasis. Stop considering yourself a super-human as the more you overload yourself the worse for you - and the baby. Therefore, it is a good reminder to not forget to take care of yourself too and seize the opportunity to rest. It also offers first hand information about how to breast feed correctly and how to maintain a good milk supply, dealing with teething problems and developmental checks. You are also introduced to an A to Z of infant ailments and adviced what to have in your medicine cabinet and how to take the proper safety measures at home. 

As a big supporter of vaccines, I appreciated the encouragement to keep doing all the necessary vaccinations. 'Our babies' immune systems are exposed to thousands of allergenes and germs every day. What isn't safe is to leave them exposed to some very serious illness by delaying vaccination'. 

Mr. Dawn's Guide... is one of those books you need to have in your library because it makes your mom's life much easier.

Rating: 4 stars

Disclaimer: Book offered by the publisher in exchange for an honest review

Why we all, but especially children, we need some good Vitamin D

Oranges and sunshine, the perfect healthy combination

Vitamin D, or the sunshine vitamin, plays an important role in the development of children, and especially in sunshine deprived regions as Europe, its levels should be kept under careful control. Its regularly consumption helps prevent rickets, and builds strong bones, teeth and immune system, reduces the risk of multiple sclerosis or heart diseases. When Vitamin D is deficient, there is a high risk of developping abnormalities, such as osteomalcia (soft bones) or osteoporosis (fragile bones). 

The minimal daily dose for keeping the constant level is of 200 IU, but according to many medical opinions, more exposure to the sun and consumption of foods such as oranges, milk, sardines, egg yolk, cereals or yogurth are recommended as natural supplements. Vitamin D deficiency is often causes by improper nutrition, but also by pollution, too much time spent indoors and lack of light, in general. At least 10 minutes of sun exposure every day can help, as this vitamin is produced in our skin in response to sunlight. 

This fat soluble vitamin, part of a family of componds that includes Vitamin D1, D2 and D3, is equally important for both adults and children. For the first year of life of my child, the doctor recommended a 600 IU dosis, the same ratio being advised for pregnant and breastfeeding women or for adults till 70 years. After this age, a level of 800 IU is necessary. In oder to give the right amount to your child, get in touch with your pediatrician and try to catch up as much as possible with the sun. What we are doing quite well lately!

3 things I wish I haven't done after giving birth

Now, with the kid approaching fast 6 months and me a full time stay at home mom, things look much settled into my life: I have a predictable schedule, when I can organise my time and my tasks and also have some little amount of time for myself and my writing gigs. But it was not always like this, and when I look back in time to the first four months of life of my son, I see a very different picture, with many hectic episodes if I look more clearly.

One of these days I did a retrospective overview of my last months and found out that there are some mistakes that I wish I haven't made. But as it is nothing to be changed, at least there are some lessons learned to be took into consideration a next time.

1. Going back to full-time work two months after giving birth was a big mistake.

The physical recovery went very well and within weeks I lost the few pounds added during pregnancy. My health situation was good - except a little anemy - and the little boy was also doing fine. The German law do not let new mothers work in the first two months after giving birth, but after that, it is up to the employer and the mother to find a better work solution. I was so happy to be able to go back to work that I almost scream 'Yes, I do' when asked if I can return after two months.

What happened? I was doing my work as usual, accomplishing my tasks relatively well, but with a high price. I was going to sleep late because I always had things to do in the house, woke up around 5 o'clock, feeding the baby and sometimes also cooking for the rest of the day, being at work around 7.30 and working till around 15.00 and coming back home with shopping list done, for cooking, cleaning, bathing the baby and keeping good company to my bf. During the day I also had to solve various domestic issues!

The result: After two crazy months, I realized that all the hassle is not worth my effort and energy. The job I had was nice, but not exactly the dream job, and the financial remuneration was not extremely high. With no real chances to improve my professional status - because it was nowhere to go up in this cute small family company - I took the dramatic decision of leaving and using the chances of one full paid year as a stay-at-home mother.

2. Throwing up parties after parties

When your kid is born in other country than the one where your families are living, expect a lot of visits and celebrations and late evening meals and long Shabbes meals. 

What happened: A week after I returned the hospital with the baby, we started to invite people almost every two days, and many guests and relatives on Shabbes. We - particularly I - wanted to impress everyone with my cooking skills and great cakes and many meals. I was also doing a lot of shopping, going from a special shop to the other for specific products and spices.

The result: Burned out. Completely. Because it was not only about cooking and shopping, but also about setting the meal, cleaning the dishes, cleaning the house, staying awake to make conversation, taking care of the baby at the same time.

3. Missing the chance of at least one hour for myself

My bf stayed at home full time with the baby for two months, the time when I was at work. After a busy pregnancy and a post-pregnancy even busier time, I rarely had time to go out alone or just take a breath on my own for a couple of minutes. Every time I was going out I always had a to-do-list with me and I was rarely able to meet one of my friends or go without a specific reason. Now I am alone with the kid for couple of weeks more and I am in the same situation when there is no way to leave the house unaccompanied. It is a nice company anyway so nothing to complain about. But...

What happened: Sometimes it was enough just to go out of the house, in the garden or till the corner of the street without nothing to do or to think about. Just like this, walking slowly, breathing deep the fresh Berlin air and coming back.

The result: Right now, I am waiting for that time to come back again, when I can go out on my own for a short walk. Promise that the next time will better use my time!

Parenting advice for the responsible parent

Like it or not, we as adults, are what our parents and grandparents made of us The person we are now is the result of historical parenting patterns transmitted or slightly altered, from one generation to the other. The good news is that we can change it and detach ourselves from the generational matrix. The bad news is that we need a lot of time and effort and very often the help of a therapist.
     Your Living Legacy is not a self-help book, but a guided tour of discovering yourself as a parent. It may happen that you will discover something radically different from what you expected. Based on over two decades of practice, it offers a rare mix for this kind of book-- of theoretical framework and practical checking, examples and exercises.  

     My experience with parenting books is that you either have one or the other, but maybe I am not literate in this domain yet. It also has the right balance of using simple wording for describing sophisticated parenting situations, which is another asset of the book, the author stays away from the temptation to show off high skills in juggling with complicated scientific terminology.

     Based on her clinical practice, the cases revolve around the mother-daughter relationship, which limits the perspective to a certain extent. It simplifies the discussion, but on the other hand eliminates the cases when the father is also an active parenting actor with a definitive role in the education process.

     Instead of focusing on the child as the main parenting problem, the author took into consideration 'what the parent is doing that might create or contribute to the problem'. A logical approach, as most of the child’s problems originate within the family. Further on, the choice of the parenting style is highly influenced by 'how you were raised as a child'.

     The dynamic of the relationship between mother and daughter is very complex and the merit of the author is to focus briefly on the most important interactions and potential sources of conflicts. For instance, “ rebellion” can also be a plea to get the parent to set stronger limits'. These issues are analyzed in the smallest detail through an extensive list of 20 parenting styles, defined generally as 'patterns of behavior that are your typical ways of interacting with your child, especially when you are under stress'. The questionnaire at the end of each description helps you find your own parenting style and gives short suggestions about how to go beyond the negative patterns.

     The sooner the problems are identified the better, as there is always the possibility to change the pattern and save the relationship with your child. Through communication, listening and learning from your child, besides seeking advice from a professional therapist, things can be changed for the good, and the mistakes used as a ladder to growth.

      It is a book that raises awareness and challenges you to ask questions -- it is never too late to start reading.

Rating: Four out of five stars

Disclaimer: The publisher offered my the book via NetGalley.com, but the opinions are, as usual, my own.